Email to my team this am... Mwah ha ha ha™

Good Morning All,

I am on vacation from July 14th (evening of) through July 31st, returning on
August 1st.

This is your official heads-up. If you have any issues with this, lets deal with them today or tomorrow.

As usual when I am out of the office, please send any purchase orders for DM, KM etc. directly to xxxxxxxxxxxxxx and xxxxxxxxxxx for processing if they cannot wait until my return. We'll sort it out when I get back.

My out of office reply will point directly to y'all, based upon your vertical / regional responsibilities.

When submitting a orders, the mandatory information required includes:
The Customer ID #.
The PO.
The version number required.
ALL SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL PRODUCTS THAT ARE REQUIRED.
Who the primary rep is.
Who the secondary rep is.
Who the RTM/SE is.
Ship-to and bill-to information.

I am in God's Country (Alberta) from the 14th through the 25th. I shall be drinking large amounts of cheap beer and grain-alcohol, visiting relatives that live in trailers (albeit double-wides), and probably shooting a lot of firearms of various calibres. Mostly at gophers. Maybe an antelope or two. Possibly even some deer. Bambi over a BBQ pit _is_ quite good, if a bit gamey. Unless they've been in the alfalfa fields. Again. Bastards.

In an emergency, I can be reached (intermittently) at (555) 555-5555. If I am not there, I would say that you could leave a message… except that I don't think my mother has actually gotten around to buying one of those new-fangled answering machines thingys quite yet.

I would give you my brother's phone number as an alternate contact point, but you _really_ don't want to talk to him unless you have no choice at all; I'm the sane one in the family.

Stop laughing. Really, I am.

I will not be checking voicemail on my vacation. Not. Even. Once.

I am back in Ontario for one full day, then I am driving down to Chattanooga, TN on the 27th, returning on the 31st.

This is for the yearly science fiction convention (no, we don't dress up) known as LibertyCon, where I get to visit with all of my really scary southern redneck friends (from a leftist Canadian perspective). Mad Mike may be bringing his legal .30 cal BMG (WWII era machine gun); happiness is apparently a belt-fed weapon.

I will be taking lots of pictures. Mwah ha ha ha ha…

universal emergency email address: xxxxxx.xxxxx@gmail.com. 24 hour turn-around.

Regards, and enjoy our time apart... I know I will! ;-)

Mark (who probably is not as funny as he thinks he is, but tries anyways)

Subject: Top 29 things You will Never Hear An Alberta Boy Say...

Top 29 things You will Never Hear An Alberta Boy Say.....
>29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
>28. Duct tape won't fix that.
>27. Come to think of it, screw Pilsner, I'll have a Heineken.
>26. We don't keep loaded firearms in this house.
>25. You can't feed that to the dog.
>24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
>23. Wrestling's fake.
>22. We're vegetarians.
>21. Do you think my gut is too big?
>20. I'll have grapefruit and salad instead of steak & potatoes.
>19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
>18. Who gives a damn who won the Grey Cup?
>17. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving.
>16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
>15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
>14. Trim the fat off that steak.
>13. Way to go Paul! Sign that Kyoto agreement now!
>12. The tires on that truck are too big.
>11. I've got it all backed up on the C: drive.
>10. I'm gonna buy a Ford Aerostar instead of that Dodge Diesel 4x4.
>9. My fiancée, Rose, is registered at Tiffany's.
>8. I've got two cases of Perrier for the Stanley Cup.
>7. Checkmate.
>6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
>5. Hey, here's an episode of "The Dukes of Hazard" that we haven't seen!
>4. I don't really have a favourite CFL team.
>3. Peace.
> 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Margaret.
>
>AND NUMBER ONE....
>
>1. I'm voting Liberal this year!