The Epic Roadtrip ™ After-Action Report

Trip at a Glance:

• Kilometers traveled: 9,500
• GPS = OMG whateverdidwedobeforethis Technology.
• Cars seen in ditch: approx. 30.
• Semis seen in ditch: 3
• Fuel cost: approx $350
• Time spent with the Department of Homeland Security: 2.5 hours.
• Time spent with Canada Customs & Border Security: 30 seconds.
• Money spent on the American health-care system: $229.00 USD.
• Pictures taken: about 1000.
• Worst roads on trip: Arkansas (though I’m sure Detroit would still win, had I gone through it).
• Most expensive toll: $3.50, Oklahoma Turnpike; twice.
• The speed limits in and around Indianapolis seem to be ‘just a suggestion’.

I left Toronto bright and early on Sunday morning… well, ok. It was grey, cold and overcast, but that is normal for Toronto in the winter; you get used to it.

The first day was relatively easy; drive down to Indianapolis, Indiana and stay overnight with some good friends. Certainly, I wasn’t feeling any apprehensions about this leg of the trip.

Until I got to the border.

I have to say to my American cousins, that your country is indeed quite safe from foreign intruders… if they put anyone remotely suspicious through what they put me, there is little doubt that they do catch everyone that has malicious intent.

It started with the usual… pull up to the border-guard kiosk… and the usual questions… ie, Where are you off to? How long will you be staying? The answers to those two questions must have rang alarm bells… Off to Phoenix for a friends’ wedding. Open ended… I have to be back by March 1^st. Please drive over to that building over there, where you will receive further instructions. Okay….

Once over at the main interrogation… er, Homeland Security station, they asked for my keys, and sent me inside to stand in The Line. Which was quite short really; it only took about 15 minutes to be waved over by an unsmiling, humourless officer. I understand it is their job to be intimidating… certainly it’s not a smiling, welcoming face that the US extends to its northern neighbours.

Thus began the first of four different interrogations; where am I going? Who am I staying with? How did I meet them? Do I have a job? No? What do you do for money? Why do you have all this camera equipment in your car? (Punctuated by a balaclava-clad officer coming in from outside saying, “He’s got tripods too!”). I had one tripod, two light stands, and a couple of umbrellas. Big mistake. “Are you getting paid to shoot this wedding?” No… I take pictures of everything, and I like to do a good job. Yes, I do have model releases… no, they are not for-compensation model releases (I was impressed that they actually knew the distinction), they are TFCD releases.

No, I’ve never made a cent off of photography. The business cards? Well, I don’t have any for a company that I WORK for nowadays… so I printed some up on my home printer. No, I’m not a professional, though I am pretty darn egotistical about my own talent.

Do you have food in the car? Well, yes (I had put together a couple of care packages for Mike and Christine in Indy and Tulsa respectively). Any fruit, meat, etc.? No.

Fast forward 2.5 hours… this is where I’m on my fourth interrogator, who are all asking what are essentially variations on the same theme… I wanted to point out that yes, my story has remained consistent throughout the interview process, and yes, I know enough (probably from hanging out with certain barflies) to realize what they’re doing and how they’re going about it. But, I’m not a complete idiot… so I remained silent on means and methods.

Do I have any resumes with me? Well, I think there are some left in my computer bag from the last interview I did, last week. What was the company? What is their website?

Getting back to your previous trips to the US… you say you lived down in Austin back in 1997? Did you have a visa? No… under NAFTA… You needed a visa, even under NAFTA. *sigh*

Finally, after I had pointed them to the website for the company I had last interviewed with, the website for the Bar (how I met some of the people I would be visiting), seen that they had also Googled me… and even pointed them to my photo portfolio on Flickr… Officer Jenkins looks up at me with level, cold grey eyes and says… Ok. Welcome to the United States.

I thanked him, gathered up my passport, driver’s license, photography business cards, and the wedding gift for the girl that was getting married in Phoenix, from her grandmother, and walked slowly and carefully out to my car.

It was a bit of a shambles… everything had been opened… everything had been sifted through. I spent about 15 minutes repacking… after I was 30 miles down the road and could find a rest-stop.

Seriously dudes… you’re safe. Homeland Security has you covered. Never again do I suspect that I may be able to bring down large amounts of beer down to having a drinking contest with Shane, Greg and Maj. Doug. Ah well. Quit while you’re ahead, I guess.

I continued on my merry way… the drive down to Indy was anticlimactic… I tanked my first fill of diesel outside of Indy… 50+ mpg is the way to go, when you’re doing an epic roadtrip, I have to say.

Visited with MMike & Gail and their Progeny… had excellent ribs. Mmm… BBQ.

The next day, left bright and early… a theme that would be present throughout the trip. I’m a firm believer in getting a good early start… If I had my druthers on a trip, I leave at 4am, ish. ;-)

It started to rain. I don’t remember much of Missouri… it was all rain and rain and rain.

Interstate driving leaves a lot to be desired… but hey, it’s fast, consistent, and easy.

Once I hit the Oklahoma Turnpike (and paid my $3.50 toll), I could really start to rock… due to the rain, everyone seemed to think they should drive slow, and fast lane was clear. When the speed limit is 75mph, that’s just a suggestion right? :-D

Thank gawd for GPS… took me right to The Quilly Mammoth Family Domicile in one go… easy as cake and pie. J

Had a great visit with Christine, III, and Jody (once he got off of work)…

The next day, it was on the road again, bright and early… (sense a pattern here yet?).

The drive from Tulsa to Flagstaff was fairly uneventful… the wind was cold, and the rain stopped once I hit northern Texas. Driving through Amarillo was nice… and whatever the airbase that is there has B-1b’s! Which were doing touch-and-goes… I didn’t get in an accident, though I suspect I was trying as I paid them far too much attention.

New Mexico was typical and expected desert terrain… however I wasn’t expecting the snowstorm(!!!!) that I hit just west of Albuquerque. It quickly became and almost-whiteout… and I found myself passing car after car that had decided to spend some quality time off the road and in the ditch, or in the median. I’ve got awesome tires though, and hey, I’m Canadian. I just tucked in behind a semi and plodded my way through it. If anyone saw my license plates, I’m sure they had a chuckle… ;-)

I arrived in Flagstaff that evening… late, and got a hotel room. A note on hotel chains and their lying “sure we have wireless” ways… Days Inn = bad idea. Holiday Inn = mostly good. J

The next day, it dawned clear, cool, and sunny with an awesome layer of snow on the ground. Where the hell am I? Arizona? Doesn’t look like it… *sob*

I drove up to the Grand Canyon… I have to say, I wasn’t expecting to be impressed... Sure, it’s called the GRAND Canyon, but it’s just a hole in the ground right? It was awesome. I need to go back there when I have time to do more than just snap some pics from the south rim. That place needs to be seriously explored on foot.

Unfortunately, after about an hour, a blizzard blew in… and the canyon disappeared. So, it was back in the car, and off to Phoenix I went.

The drive between Flagstaff and Phoenix is a great drive… Next time, I want a corvette or a mustang convertible for it though. It seems like such a waste to do it in a VW hatchback. Lol.

Once down in Phoenix, I headed over to what would be my base of operations for the next several days… my landlady’s house. Basically, I rent a house that they own in Toronto, but they have obviously become good friends over the years. The Phoenix house is amazing; 6000 sq/ft, and marble floors throughout, two giant 60in. HD TV’s…

The weather was gorgeous in Phoenix… falling somewhere between 60 and 80f. I certainly know why all the snowbirds head south!

The wedding was good times, as weddings usually are. I behaved myself, drank not much at all, haunted the periphery, and generally made myself useful… at the end, helping to pack back the spare booze, and all the gifts…

The day after the wedding, George (father of the bride) and Patrick (boyfriend of one of the bride’s sisters) wanted to go shoot some basketball… and I, like a dumbass said sure why not?.

We were going up for a rebound, and Patrick and I collided; when I came back down, I fell onto my wrist. Ouch. Fsckity Fsck Fsck. I couldn’t tell if it was broken or not, but it hurt like all get-out, and it quickly started to swell.

I spent the next day and a half icing it down, but it didn’t feel like staying it’s normal size or colour, so on the Monday I went to the Urgent Care clinic. I ended up paying $229.00 for an xray and Dr. fee… tiny crack in one of my carpal bones, but mostly just a big-ass sprain, for which a brace was sufficient.

Basketball. Never again.

I could still shift gears, so it was off to Tucson I went.

Tucson was supposed to be a model-shoot, and a visit to the Air & Space Museum.

Unfortunately, every good hotel in the town was booked (the local rodeo and a PGA tour event), so all I could get in was the Air & Space museum visit, which was awesome.

I had a friend who lived locally, so I didn’t have to do it alone… simply one of the best post-WWII airplane collections I have ever seen.

They even have one of the old Air Force 1 planes that Kennedy used. During the walk-through of which, you cannot help but think… I wonder how much time Marilyn spent in this bunk/aisleway/bathroom/cockpit… ;-)

After Tucson, it was a pretty uneventful drive to Las Cruces, NM, where I would hold up before going onto to White-Sands, NM, the next morning.

White Sands was gorgeous… definitely a place I need to spend some more time in, preferable with a model or two. The scenery just begs for a beach shoot. J

While there, a bus load of Amish people showed up…

After a few hours in White Sands, I drove the longest leg yet, from there to Austin TX via El Paso. I love the country between El Paso and Austin… I then stopped in a small town called Ozona for a fuel / food break. I asked the girl who I paid for diesel if the restaurant across the street was any good. She said it’s owned by her cousins… and yeah she still recommended it… ;-)

I hit the hill country west of Austin REALLY late, probably close to midnight, ish. There were few cars on the roads, but there were certainly enough deer. I think that I counted 15 or 20 dead deer, and saw about 200 live ones, in herds probably averaging 7 per herd. On both sides of the roads. This meant that the top speed was in the 50mph range… I didn’t feel like visiting a body-shop while I was in the states… ;-)

The nice thing about Austin (besides visiting with friends that I had not seen inside of a decade) is the food.

We went to http://www.louiemuellerbarbeque.com/ in Taylor, TX for some of the best BBQ I’ve ever had. Gawd, but if I lived closer, I would weigh 250 lbs.

Also, I got my fill of Tex-Mex at Chuy’s…

After a couple of days in Austin though, it was time to head back; I think I can only do about 2 weeks on the road, before I start getting antsy for more familiar locations. Or at least for having more creature comforts than you can fit in VW Golf…

I caught a wicked tail-wind from Dallas to Memphis, and as a result, I think I got the best mileage that I’ve ever gotten in my car. I didn’t do the math, but it was about 750 miles on one tank. Freakin’ _awesome_. J The downside is, you always want to make it to the next service station. This philosophy hasn’t bit me on the @ss yet, but expect that someday it will.

Austin to Toronto was a long two day drive; I got home exceedingly late, on Sunday, and slept for the next day or so. ;-)

Now that I’m back, it’s time to job-hunt with a vengeance, damnit (round 2 and round 3 of interviews start on Monday).